I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
