im six kinds of drunk right now
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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