I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
