you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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