I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
