Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
