Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
