If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
