Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
