Where did you get a picture of my penis
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
