gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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