This is not my ceiling
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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