You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
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