Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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