We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
