omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
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