I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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