Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
be right there i have to get my cape
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Randomize
