Pappa wants mamma naked
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
