Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
