I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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