I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
