So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
