you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
