I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
