also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
