3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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