we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
