I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
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