Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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