break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
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