I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
