I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
