franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
BRING THE BAGELS
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
