I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
God, I missed his penis.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
