homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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