I'm eating all of the evidence.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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