So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
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