Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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