wakey wakey hands off snakey
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
