and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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