Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
