I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
