dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
