Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Drunk is not a location!
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize