**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
My sheets look like a crime scene.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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