I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
