Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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