I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
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