I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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