maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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