Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Randomize
